November would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Instead it became the start of a life as a divorcee. I'm writing about it to help myself move on and in hopes it might help someone else. Lessons this painful should not be in vein.
I've started this post on paper, in electronic format, and in my head no less than 100 times. I never get through it so I'm going to slow down and take it one step at a time.
North Carolina recently passed legislation to make marriage "a union between one man and one woman". That took aim at alternative lifestyles. That legislation also betrays traditional marriages. A marriage is not between one man and one woman; rather it is between one man, one woman, and several disparate systems. The effects of those systems cannot be overstated.
One of those systems is "marriage counseling". Every profession has a range of practitioners. Those practitioners cater to a broad range of clients. What works for one may not work for another. In my case I feel very strongly that my counselor was more of a hindrance than a help to my at-risk marriage. I didn't have experience with counseling before this experience and therefore lacked any baseline of comparison. My gut reaction was to distrust our counselor. Every feedback I've received since then reinforces that position.
First my counselor shared very personal details about her own experiences. This should have been a red flag. Her personal experiences underscore a personal bias which she would neither confirm nor deny, not even in the paradigm of communication she presented. Beyond that she explored the deep dark corners of my consciousness in full view of my partner; my partner who already regarded me with great apprehension. I needed help and counseling. That work needed to happen independently of my partner. This was a waste of her time and likely reinforced her existing negative perception. Therapy is an ugly process and should be approached in a safe environment with great confidence. Attempting this with a tenuous/biased counselor in full view of an already wounded partner is a poor combination.
Somewhere along the way lawyers will get involved. Once lawyers are involved do not be misled; the game has changed. Therapy, at least for me, was focusing on the other person as a human, practicing acceptance, and seeking compromise. Once lawyers are involved these principles are out the window. Every bit of compassion I used in the legal proceedings was used against me. Every olive branch I extended was sharpened and used to stab me.
The legal system, including lawyers, judges, mediators, court system, local laws, and legal precedent are the next "system" in marriage. These entities all come with their own agendas. I found most of those agendas to be contrary to common sense and the values my partner and I shared in our marriage. I want to make this clear - what we agreed upon and stated during our marriage did not matter.
These entities come in with their own agendas. Again, I cannot overstate that.
I'm going to close here with one overarching point - prenuptial agreements. I always heard these as a "forecast of doom for the marriage". In reality these are agreements that say "we are each responsible for ourselves". This is a key underpinning to any successful relationship. Each party must act responsibly, maintain their own balance, and tend to their own needs. This creates a healthy individual who can then participate in a healthy relationship.
A prenup is not a condemnation of a relationship; rather it is a foundation for a healthy relationship.
